How the Gerudo King Stole Christmas
by Lady Of The Semicolons
Summary: Parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas." Yay parodies and slight weirdness.


_A/N: One of Ganon's quotes (four sentences, to be exact) comes directly from The Grinch. Bonus points for anyone who finds it (shouldn't be that hard, though)._

How the Gerudo King Stole Christmas

The cold wind blew with the most terrible howl. Gerudo King Ganondorf stood at the top of Snowhead Peak with a most unpleasant scowl. He was staring and glaring at Castle Town, you see. For everyone in Castle Town loved Christmas a lot, but Ganondorf the Gerudo King most certainly did NOT.

You may ask yourself why he hated Christmas so. But the truth of the matter is, nobody knows. Some think it's because his head isn't screwed on right. Others say it's because his cape is too tight. Still others say his heart is too small.

And then there's the crazy person down the street who says it's because in another lifetime he was a mad piggy overlord with a pitchfork.

He continued to stare from the top of Snowhead Peak, scowling with a menacing air. For it was Christmas Eve and Ganondorf knew exactly what the inhabitants of Castle Town were doing.

"They're hanging wreathes and stockings and baubles and bells," he growled. "Christmas will be here—tomorrow! All the brats will wake up at the crack of dawn, and open their gifts that make so much _noise!_" He clutched his temple; he could already feel the throbbing headache.

"Then they'll feast! They'll feast on Bullbo Pudding, and then Bullbo-Beast! FEAST! FEAST! FEAST!"

He shook his fist at the town below. "And that isn't the worst of it," he added. "After the feast comes the thing I hate most of all. All those fools down in Castle Town gather in the square. Every man, every woman, every baby and child, they all join hands and then they all SING! GAH! And to make matters worse, they sing BADLY! Like troupe of freaking chipmunks!"

A large lump of snow that was sitting next to him suddenly shuddered. With a great deal of effort, the person underneath shook all the snow off. "Dude," said Zant, "were you talking to me, or were you just monologuing again?"

Ganondorf's eye twitched.

"I'm gonna take that as you were just monologuing…"

The Gerudo King returned to surveying Castle Town. "*I must stop this whole thing! "Why, for fifty-three years I've put up with it now! I must stop Christmas from coming! But how?" He paused as he realized that he had just rhymed.

"Whoa, whoa, WHOA," said Zant.

"What?" asked Ganondorf.

"You're FIFTY-THREE?"

Ganondorf punched Zant, who fell backwards into the snow.

"Hmmm," Ganondorf thought aloud. Then he got a splendid idea.

"HA HA HA! _HA HA HA!" _laughed Ganondorf in that evil laugh of his. "I know!" He spun around and went into his castle.

Once inside, Ganondorf prowled throughout the castle, looking for the right things to carry out his scheme. He came across some red satin wall hangings. "Those ought to work! Come to think of it," he said to himself, "I don't even know why I have these." With a single jerk he pulled the hangings down. He set off to his… workshop? and he immediately went to work.

Two hours and a lot of curse words later, the Gerudo King was admiring himself in a mirror, wearing a Santa Claus suit. He chuckled, and then put on a Santa hat to finish the effect. "I look just like the big man himself," he declared.

"HOLY GUMDROPS IT'S _**SANTA**_!" screamed Zant, who had just entered the room. He ran full-speed at Ganondorf and tackled him. Bouncing on the Gerudo King's lap, he exclaimed, "OH. MY. GOSH. SANTA! Santa! I want a fire truck and a bicycle and a cowboy hat oh and a PONY—"

"GET OFF OF ME, YOU IDIOT!" roared Ganondorf.

Zant's lip quivered. "B-but Santa…"

"I'm not the real Santa!" Ganondorf pulled off his hat. "It's me!"

Zant finally stopped bouncing. "Oh. But why are you dressed like Santa?"

Ganondorf pushed him off of his lap and stood up. "I'm going to impersonate Santa, and I'm going to go down to Castle Town and steal Christmas! The toys, the decorations, the food, _everything!_" He grinned evilly. "But wait…" he mused, "I still need a reindeer…" His eye fell on his companion.

% % % %

"First question: Why can't I be Santa?"

"One, because I'm the boss. Two, because the suit was made to fit me."

"And second question: Why do you own a pair of moose antlers?"

"It was a gift from my mothers," replied Ganondorf as he finished gluing said antlers to Zant's head.

Then the Gerudo King located a number of empty sacks, loading them all onto an old sleigh with chipped paint. He pushed the sleigh outside. "Oh, reindeer!" called Ganondorf. When his reindeer didn't appear, he yelled, "Dang it, Zant! Get OVER HERE!" Out came Zant with a reluctant waddle. Ganondorf hitched him up to the sleigh.

The Gerudo King sat down on the seat. The moon was beginning to rise, and his lip curled. He snapped the reins.

"Mush!"

Zant-the-reindeer-with-moose-antlers dropped on all fours and began running though the snow. The sleigh inched its way down the mountain's slope, until it gained enough momentum to accelerate enough to run Zant over. Now the sleigh was dragging Zant, rather than vice-versa, but oddly enough, Zant didn't seem to mind.

"WHEEEEEEEE!" Zant yelled as he and the sleigh sped down the mountain at breakneck speed.

"AAAHHHHHH!" yelled Ganondorf at the same time, clutching the sides of the sleigh for dear life.

Three times during this journey Ganondorf was convinced that they were going to be severely maimed. Five times he was convinced that they were going to be killed. And seventeen times he thought he would just maim or kill Zant with his own hands for never shutting up.

And then they crashed into a tree near one of the Castle Town houses. "You know something?" said Zant, "I think I've got ice-burn on my butt." Ganondorf was too busy celebrating the fact that he was still alive to pay any attention. Then he remembered his task.

With an effort he pulled himself up to roof of the first house. He halted at the chimney. It looked like a pretty tight fit. _Santa can do it _he reminded himself. _And he has to be fatter than me! _So down the Gerudo King went.

And he got stuck. Trying not to panic, Ganondorf pulled his gut in as far as physically possible. Slowly, _slowly _he advanced downward.

"Phew," breathed the Gerudo King once he reached the bottom. Then he set to work.

The toys, the food, the decorations—nothing was spared from Ganondorf's raid. "Ho-Ho-Ho Tomatoes…" he read on a jar with Santa Claus on the label. "Seriously?" The jar went into the sack.

Soon all that was left was the tree. The Gerudo King picked it up and headed toward the chimney.

"Santy?"

Ganondorf spun around to find a little girl with blonde pigtails and a pink nightgown. It was Zelda, who had come down for a drink of water.

"What are you doing with our tree, Santy?" The little girl spoke with a nasally voice, as if she had a slight cold.

Now Ganondorf the Gerudo King prided himself on being an excellent liar. Without skipping a beat, he said to Zelda in a hearty voice, "Why, my little child, some of the lights on this tree don't light up quite right. I need to take it to my workshop to fix it. As soon as it's finished, I'll bring it right back."

"Oh, okay." The little girl snuffled, the sound of mucus very audibly going back up her nose with a slurping noise.

"…Dear Din, that is disgusting," muttered Ganondorf.

"Whassat?" asked the girl.

"Nevermind."

The Gerudo King patted little Zelda's head, and he got her some water and sent her to bed. But then she was back. "What?" cried Ganondorf, "You need to get back to bed, little girl!"

"But I can't sleep, Santy!"

Ganondorf marched her to her room, placed her in her bed, pulled out an ocarina from his sack and played Zelda's Lullaby. The girl closed her eyes and immediately started snoring. Ganondorf raised his eyebrows. "I wasn't expecting that to actually work…"

So without further ado he stuffed up the tree. He paused to take the fireplace log, and then went up the chimney himself.

He did the same thing for every house in the town, taking every last speck and crumb. Once his task was completed, he said "Mush!" and away they went back to the top of Snowhead Peak.

The sun was rising as Ganondorf and Zant reached the Peak. Ganondorf couldn't stop giggling. "Yes! Yes! YES!" he cried happily. "I've finally done it! I've stopped those morons once and for all!"

Suddenly the sleigh began to slide… and slid _backwards_. "No!" shouted Ganondorf, "No, no, NO!" He tried to grab it, but it was too quick. Down the slope slid the sleigh, right back to Castle Town.

There was a long silence.

"That was ironic," said Zant.

"Shut up, Zant."

Ganondorf noticed a gift on the ground; it had fallen off the sleigh. He read the tag: _To Link, From Santa. _Out of curiosity, the Gerudo King opened it. It was a pair of pants. "Who asks for _pants_?" he asked aloud.

"Somebody who doesn't own any?" suggested Zant.

Ganondorf thought long and hard…

_* Meanwhile, back at Castle Town *_

Everyone was standing in the town square, trying to figure out what had happened.

"But where did the presents go?" demanded young Midna, hands on her hips.

"I'm telling you," said young Link, "it was _aliens!_"

"That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!"

"No it's not!"

"Yes-huh!"

"ACHOO!" said Zelda. "Come on, guys. We can still sing, can't we? Singing's the best part of Christmas anyway."

"We can," answered Midna, "But I still wanna know where all the presents went. Because it _wasn't _aliens."

Link pouted.

"Wait," said Zelda. "What's that noise?" Everyone listened to a whooshing sound getting louder and louder. They looked around to find Ganondorf's runaway sleigh skidding straight towards them. The sleigh tipped over and all the gifts, food, and decorations landed on Link.

No one heard Link say "Ow," because the crowd began cheering at the unexpected return of their things. Five minutes later, something else followed the sleigh.

It was Ganondorf, sitting on Zant, who had got on his belly and slid down the slope like a penguin. Everyone fell silent as the Gerudo King stood up.

"Um… hi…" he said.

"_He's_ the guy who stole the presents," exclaimed Midna.

Ganondorf ignored that. "Is there someone here named Link?"

"Mphh umphh whimphhle" came a voice from under the gift-wrap. The pile shook, and finally Link came out. "I'm Link," he said as he stood up, before tripping and falling into the snow. Ganondorf saw that the youth was, indeed, pantsless.

"Um… this is for you," said Ganondorf, holding out the gift he had unwrapped back at Snowhead Peak. "Now for the sake of all humanity, please put them on, before I have nightmares about you for the rest of my life."

"**HOORAY!**" cheered the crowd, even louder than before. And before the Gerudo King could protest, they ganged up on him, insisting that he stay for the feast. Ganondorf finally relented; after all, he reasoned, free food was free food.

% % % %

After five helpings of delicious Bullbo-Beast, Ganondorf reclined in his chair and said to Zant, "You know what? I think should steal Christmas more often."

"…I think these moose antlers are stuck on my head."


End file.
